The Practice of Confidentiality: (Part 1)
Conscious Intention

At the beginning of all my courses and gatherings, I share 4 guiding principles to help us share sacred space. The last principle is about the Art of Confidentiality. I like to encourage people to keep this principle in the back of the mind throughout the event. These are some questions we can be aware of whenever we speak:

a) Why are we telling this story?
b) How can we tell it with integrity and also be authentic with our feelings?
c) Are we honoring the hearts of the people in the story, including ourselves?
d) Are we honoring the confidentiality of the people in the story, including our own?
e) Are there identifying details that can be removed, which are not necessary for the heart of your story? (e.g. names, dates, locations)
f) Can the story be shared via Archetypes instead of actual identities?

I appreciate that Confidentiality is an art form and not an exact science. We cannot use strict rules in this realm as each story and circumstance may require a different approach. The audience we are sharing with will also affect what we choose to say. Confidentiality is a matter of conscious intent and effort. Our skill in this art really evolves if we practice it whenever we speak or share stories.

However, stories do travel and we must allow that natural tendency to flow. As storytellers, we can take responsibility for protecting the confidentiality of people involved in that story. Sometimes we do need to reveal details and identities for the story to make sense. Other times, it is really not needed because the story still works without those details. For example, instead of talking about "my friend John Smith's divorce", i can simply say "a friend's divorce". This way, we make the story more safe for travel; we gift our listeners with the option of sharing the story without worry of betraying our trust or confidentiality.

As witnesses, listeners and confidantes, we too have the ability to transform the stories we hear by removing identifying details if they are not needed. We can be mindful of confidentiality even if the speaker was not! One technique that I use a lot, is the employment of Archetypes rather than actual identities and Archetypal teachings rather than specific details. We are no longer relaying facts - we are reflecting what touched us. Instead of spreading possibly inaccurate statements or breaking confidences, we are now in the realm of interpretation as we share an anecdote that is stripped of personal information. Jane Smith's ordeal with her boss Jim Jones at ABC company can become the archetypal story of an employee who stood up for her principles despite the threat of being fired.

Of course, there are times when knowing the names and places are important. For humanitarian reasons, we may have to divulge facts that break confidence. We may share classified information despite the legal or personal consequences if we feel there is a higher purpose being served. e.g. Whistleblowers are archetypes that must deal with breaking confidentiality in order to serve a greater purpose. In these cases, getting the facts right is of extreme importance.

Sometimes, we will also share enriching details in order to help people remember or connect more deeply with a story. Documentary subjects often agree to be in the spotlight - sharing private information in order to tell a compelling story that will touch the world or transform our perspectives. Autobiographies and biographies reveal many personal details for the sake of creating understanding or clarity. By delving into the microcosm of this person's life, we often see ourselves reflected or we can even see the macrocosm of the world in this person's life story. As acclaimed writer David Milch attests, through a very specific story we can sometimes experience a highly universal story.

Many people choose to be public about their lives because they wish to be teachers, educators and inspirational role models. All the while, they must navigate the privacy of their own friends and families when they broadcast aspects of their lives. On one hand, this public role may cause hardship for some of their relationships yet on the other, this act of courage will save many from suffering in secret shame because their transparency helps us see that we are not alone in our challenges.

It's fascinating how the word "secret" is such powerful currency in childhood. Children tend to be loyal with secrets unless they witness a poor role model, experience a betrayal, succumb to unfair pressure or extreme cases, receive threats or punishment. Confidentiality is sacred to them unless they are taught otherwise. In my early years, I saw that many people naturally trusted me with their secrets. Even strangers would reveal deep things to me that they could not share with close companions. On some occasions, I was a loyal friend and at other times, I betrayed confidences because it was so exciting to let other people know I was the keeper of such treasures. I knew I was ultimately betraying myself so over time, I committed to long-term noble action rather than short-term gratification. With each interaction, I quietly studied the art of confidentiality. With every slip I made, I taught myself increasing consciousness and care. Now, these skills serve me well because I know how to be a highly reliable friend, a trustworthy confidante and an effective counselor. Now, I prefer to assume that anything someone says to me - unless clearly identified as public knowledge - is confidential. Instead of calling it a "secret", I see it as a privilege. It is a privilege to hear part of their story. It is a privilege to be a confidante.


The Practice of Confidentiality: (Part 2)
The Sacred Role of the Confidante

A common definition for "confidante" is a "person, especially a woman, to whom private matters are confided" (from free dictionary). In our lives, we will each serve in this role to at least one person if not many. If we are counselors, healers or therapists - we are professional confidantes. This includes people in the service industry who often serve clients in this way... such as the archetypal bartenders, hairdressers and escorts. If we are peers, friends or family, we are also confidantes. If we are suddenly receiving a stranger's story on the bus or at the grocery store, we are also confidantes.

And in turn, we each seek to find our own confidantes. Hopefully, we can trust enough to reveal our stories to someone. We may have many confidantes or we may only have one. Whatever the number, we can be grateful for this person's role in our lives. It is so healing to be heard - so healing to have a safe place to share our hearts. Ironically, some people find that a stranger is the easiest kind of confidante for them. Perhaps without any history together, there are less concerns about judgments, consequences or breeches of privacy. Others of course, prefer to select close friends or professionals to share their innermost feelings and thoughts. Intimacy rises as the trust factor rises.

Benefits of Having A Confidante:

a) Often, the swirl of thoughts in our heads cannot find a clear path out until we speak aloud our many ideas or troubles. The attention of a loving witness can make the intangible more tangible. Though private activities such as meditation, artwork or writing are powerful tools to express our inner world, the act of sharing with another human being can really open up the channels.

b) "Brainstorming" is a powerful practice in the company of a great confidante. They can help you by their sheer interest and enthusiasm alone! Their attentive energy can often pull forth our greatest ideas into tangible form. The nebulous shapes in our head can finally be clearly identified when we articulate them to our confidante. If there is much creative synergy, then amazing ideas come from both parties. Instead of Perspiration, it is a big dose of Inspiration! Instead of a work session, it is a play session!

c) In the realm of idea sharing, having someone you trust in this role also means that you can reveal ideas without dispersing your energy in too many directions. I have found in my creative process, that having one or two confidantes is very helpful but having too many tends to scatter my energy. I joke with my students that it's akin to premature ejaculation - you've shot your load all over the place so now you just want to lay down and enjoy the subsequent high! You feel so satisfied in the "telling of the idea", that you no longer feel the need to actually "do it". However, if you only share your seed with a few select people during the incubation stage, then you will more easily contain the life force within your body. The idea still wants to manifest through your action because it is not yet consummated. Having select confidantes will help you breathe energy into your idea without spilling all the life force...

d) For more intimate conversations involving great emotion, the confidante can inspire us to find the words to describe what we are feeling, be it dark or light. Without them, we would still experience the depth of our feelings but with them, we have a way to understand in a more linear way. This can be important when the emotions are confusing, complex or novel. Also, with some support, we may have more courage to face our inner world. We can take the time to really look within because this kind witness can make the process more real or palatable.

e) They say "misery loves company" but I prefer to acknowledge that a person's burdens are lighter when there is compassion available. Instead of "dumping" on our confidante, we can see it as sharing our stories. We are learning to express ourselves and processing our healing journey. We are trusting others as we practice transparency. We are discovering that shame is not necessary. There is someone with whom we can share our deepest thoughts and feelings. Even when the confidante is not available, we find comfort in knowing that they exist and that they care for us. The unbearable heaviness of being can be lighter when we have someone on this planet who is unquestionably on our side. That is a great healing.

f) The confidante who knows our history and who has watched us evolve, offers the invaluable gifts of continuity and witnessing. It's powerful to have someone that knows where we've come from and who appreciates how far we've journeyed. It's healing to be understood and to be seen. There is also a special sense of accountability when we report back to a long-term confidante.

g) If our confidante is non-judgmental and compassionate, we feel free to discuss our mistakes as well as our triumphs. Our ability to transcend shame is boosted when we are held with such love and acceptance. A confidante who really knows our core essence can help us move past our negative patterns or beliefs for they recognize our true nobility. They can reflect to us our beauty and help us examine our ugliness with courage.

h) A confidante is not only a witness but they can also be a safeguard. This is similar to the "buddy system" that we may have experienced in school or in outdoor activities that require some safety measures (such as scuba diving). They can help us acquire perspective at times when we lose ourselves in our circumstances or thoughts. They can support us when we feel lost. They can benefit us with their wisdom or skills. They can hold us when we cannot stand up. Intuitive confidantes and/or professional confidantes may have specialized skills that are incredibly helpful.


Challenges of Having A Confidante
We may develop certain habits through the relationship with our confidante, depending on the mutual level of consciousness. Here are some habits to watch out for:

a) We can develop co-dependent tendencies where we completely rely on our confidante or we become anxious without them.

Antidote: We must retain our independence and ultimately rely on our own inner strength and guidance. Even though our confidante is providing a precious resource, we cannot base our well-being on their presence or their abilities.

b) We may get into "emotional dumping" if we are not conscious of our intentions when we talk with our confidante. Instead of truly examining our thoughts or feelings, we release them onto our confidante and hope they can purge our hearts for us. We may want them to heal us or do the work for us.

Antidote: We must be conscious of why we are telling this story and aim for a higher purpose. We must remain responsible for our own state of mind and respect the confidante's role as a loving witness and not a garbage bin.

c) We may misuse the confidentiality aspect to indulge in gossip, addictive drama, to boost our own egos or to manipulate others to achieve selfish ends. We may even abuse confidentiality to create divisions or wars between other people.

Antidote: We must stay in our integrity. We must be honest with ourselves in order to discover any crude or base motivations. We can change our motivation before we speak and transform the dialogue into a loving interaction.

d) We may embroil our confidante in a tricky scenario by divulging unnecessary information, information that presents a conflict of interest or information that is unsuitable for their constitution. For example, sharing mature content with a child may not be appropriate. (especially in the case of a parent who relies on their children as confidantes) Or sharing intense information with someone who is already in a vulnerable headspace may be irresponsible and even dangerous.

Antidote: We can consider the consequences before sharing particular information. Who will this affect? Will the confidante be in a compromised position? Will it be difficult for them to keep this information private due to known pressures or moral quandaries? Is it too much information for this person?

Tips on Picking A Confidante:

a) Depending on the issue or topic at hand, you may require a specialized confidante. Perhaps you have one confidante who is your creative muse, another person as your sage counsel on matters of the heart and still another for your business affairs. Sometimes, there is a person who can serve all these roles. Being aware of your mutual chemistry, the level of expertise they have and the level of their interest will help you decide which topic they are suited for.

b) Ensure you trust this person and feel safe with them. You want to be able to fully open up: to be truly authentic and honest. Do you feel at ease with them and do they have the capacity to receive you with integrity?

c) Be discerning and understand that not everyone is ready to be a confidante. They may have reasons (mental, emotional, circumstantial) that prevent them from taking on this role in your life. They may not be aware nor able to articulate these things so it is up to you to observe and discern.

d) Do you have enough access to them? Establish clear protocol and ways to reach each other. If they are difficult to reach due to the distance or to their lifestyle, then you may need someone else who is easier to find in times of need. We can't take it personally that they aren't available but we can be practical in creating lines of communication that work for us. Having a confidante that you can easily reach by phone and someone whom you can visit in person is helpful.

e) Choose a confidante who can remain somewhat objective even though they obviously care for you. They are not there to take sides, they are there to witness and support your spiritual journey. They cannot have an ulterior motive or agenda. (e.g. if they want to sleep with you, then they are motivated in that way.) They also cannot be placed in a compromised position or else this sacred role becomes a terrible burden.

f) Even when you trust their integrity, you can help them honor your confidentiality by clearly communicating your wishes during each discussion. Perhaps you can declare not only your intention for sharing your story but also where this information is suitable to flow.
 

Tips on Being A Confidante:  Coming soon...

~ little woo, October 13, 2011

These articles are dedicated to my confidante and bestfriend Dhyanna. I have experienced so much healing through the long-term trust and love we share. I've shared my greatest joys and tribulations with her. Throughout our 10-year friendship, we have been able to talk about anything because of the deep understanding and the unconditional love that we have for each other. Though she now lives in the US, we still speak regularly and keep each other updated on both epic and mundane events in our lives and hearts. Having someone in my life who knows me this well, who sees who I am regardless of what happens, who loves me infinitely...is a gift that i will cherish forever. Thank you for your eternal friendship.

Here is a photo collage of Dhyanna's most recent visit to Vancouver:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/littlewoo/6243011642/lightbox/


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